I cannot tell you how many times in the past 2 days that we have thought Lucia was going to call it quits for life on earth....I think that's the nicest way I could possibly put that -- there is nothing nice about it though. These past 2 days have been draining in every way. Once we left the hospital, we thought she was being herself, but that night/early morning, it seemed that she took a turn for the worst. Her oxygen levels dropped dramatically (and honestly, I think this has done some serious damage to her brain), she stopped crying altogether (for you parents out there that may think crying is torture, please do me a favour and thank God every time your child cries..it is SUCH a blessing), her heart rate sky-rocketed to the 190-210's (unusually high -- and probably prevented her from sleeping) and she spiked a fever that seemed to be stubborn and unaided by tylenol. These symptoms continued for over 24 hours straight. As of right now (very early Saturday morning), we are giving her oxygen through a machine which is keeping her levels up, her heart rate is in the 180's (still too high), she has given us a few very weak cries (they sound like tiny protests and are absolute music to my ears), and she still has a fever, but not as high as before. She has not slept a good few hours since Wednesday (neither napping or night-time sleeping). As the one that knows her best, I just feel like she's not the Lucia I know. Lulu is typically alot more interactive - she hears my voice and looks in my direction, she makes alot more noise than she is currently making, she responds to sounds, she is able to track things with her eyes. Maybe it's because she is sick, but I feel like she has lost some of these abilities..and it breaks my heart to pieces. Though there has been very slight improvement today, we still feel that we are playing a waiting game. When is "it" going to happen?
It really may not happen this time. Part of me is convinced that she really wants to live and is cleaving on. Maybe she will get through this. At this point, I truly do not know what would better for her (and selfishly for us) - leaving this world or staying. I write with deep tears, and I ask for your most fervent prayers for the Lord's mercy. Thank you with all my heart.